BY LANCE NASTY
A White House secret study leaked on Tuesday night reveals that presidential staff are basing re-opening American businesses after Easter on the calculation that, within a year, the Undead will completely rebuild the nationwide economy.
A White House secret study leaked on Tuesday night reveals that presidential staff are basing re-opening American businesses after Easter on the calculation that, within a year, the Undead will completely rebuild the nationwide economy.
The highly classified study, titled “ The Frank N. Stein Factor: America’s Revived Economy Via The Undead”, predicts that quickly moving the U.S. away from the “social distancing” policy will allow rapid rising deaths among the elderly and poor from the coronavirus, perhaps as many as 10 million within six months.
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| Anonymous White House artist's depiction of future American work force. |
But the plan calls for teaming mad scientists with Hollywood B-film directors to activate a "nationwide electrocution process" to ignite corpses into zombies, then methodically assigning them to work in corporate offices and industries throughout the country.
“This is the greatest economic plan ever developed,” the president told his staff, according to a source who asked to remain anonymous.
The plan was prepared by Delbert Digby, chief of the White House Economic Black Ops Policy Office. Neither the office nor Digby are listed in White House budgets or directories. All attempts to contact Digby for comment proved fruitless.
However, the president in an interview Tuesday night acknowledged Digby’s existence, sort of.
When first asked if he knew Digby, the president responded, “He’s been one of my lifelong friends, and a chief supporter for my presidency. He’s been actively involved in Making America Great Again. He’s a really good man. A good human being.”
Then, a moment later, when asked about the report from Digby’s office, the prez stated, “I don’t know. I don’t really know the man. I’ve never met him.”
The 112-page report emphasizes three major benefits to activating the Undead in both corporate offices and factories:
1. Businesses won’t have to pay or feed them. They will replace former live workers who would require both salaries and retirement benefits, as well as vacation and parental leave time. Digby’s report calculated that would provide a $200 billion annual savings which would benefit shareholders and executives.
2. The zombies also, logically, won’t require health care, a financial boost for both execs and shareholders nearly equal to the $200 billion unneeded for salaries/benefits.
3. Zombies won’t threaten business operations by joining unions. “The more Undead involved in the work force, the more we assure the death of the Labor Movement,” the study emphasized.
Any doubt of the president's awareness of the study ended near its end, on Page 111. There Digby noted that the president had expressed "some concern" about the fact that the Undead attack and kill humans. But he "was mollified" when told all the zombies would receive "attitude adjustment training" before taking their jobs. Still, Digby noted, a small percentage of zombies might not be able to adjust, and eventually will continue killing. "There is an upbeat side to this," the study noted. "Each human who is still murdered will in turn become an Undead that we can add to the workforce."
Despite the president's presence on Page 111, he still insisted time and again he was not aware of the study or its predictions favoring the corporate elite.
Despite the president's presence on Page 111, he still insisted time and again he was not aware of the study or its predictions favoring the corporate elite.
But at the interview’s end, he did state, “I do like the study title. You know, using Undead instead of Zombies. Zombies have always been one of my favorite bands from the ‘80s.”
The president was told the band was actually popular in the ‘60s, not the ‘80s.
“Oh,” he responded. “Well, I don’t know. I’ve never met them. But we’ll see what happens.”
