Punxsutawney Phil Admits Secret Pact with Fur Industry

BREAKING NEWS -- Punxsutawney Phil, the roly-poly groundhog and master weather forecaster, confessed early Monday that his recent years’ predictions for longer winters have been a scam. 

Phil, in a called press conference, admitted his stretching each year's icy season was due to a confidential agreement with the international fur industry.

"After the economic meltdown of 2008, the woodchuck community got word that furriers were searching for more economical product to offer customers," Phil confided. "Their association approached me in secret, threatening to pluck us whistle-pigs in bunches and cart us to the tanning salons. I feared for all my furry fellows, so agreed to fatten the freezing season. 

“They stressed they wanted extremely frigid temperatures before and right after Valentine's Day. They believed that husbands and lovers would flock and purchase fur coats and stoles in droves during those few days, giving a solid economic boost to their companies. What could I do? I thought, on the one paw, it would save so many of my compatriots worldwide. And, on the other paw, we'd be answering Bill Clinton's '90s call to grow the economy." 

The international fur association's office refused to comment. 

However, Joe Namath called our offices to exclaim, "I love fur coats, but I'd never wear an outfit made of the hide of those scroungy rodents!"

The Love the Land Beaver Society issued a release at our deadline saying they were appalled by Phil’s secret agreement, but with reservations.

“We understand how hard it must have been for Phil, the pressure he must have been under,” said the society’s chair Mistle Toe. “We believe the key, now that the pact’s been revealed, is to jet Phil to Alaska, where odds are great he WON'T see his shadow when he comes out of the hotel his first day there. Then we can all lower the heat both on Phil and in our homes.”

END